Learning to speak

It is interesting to me, that just when I think I have learned something and am I starting to make headway on a weakness I am once again reminded how very falable (sp?) I am. I clearly remember my mother telling me when I was younger, "that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble one day, and I am not going to be able to fix it." Boy was she right....

God warns us about taming our tongues and there are days where I feel like I have come so far. To quote Anne of Green Gables, "If you only knew all the things I wanted to say but didn't". I really have built up quite the filter, but I am learning that the holes in it are still quite large. Whether or not I am trying to be hurtful (which I have grown up enough that this is rarely intentional) I can unintentionally hurt people so easily by just not thinking before speaking. Isn't this like a 5 year olds lesson? Seriously! I just would have thought I had it by now.

I used to get angry when people didn't speak up and silently listened. Now, I just want to be them. I want to learn to keep snappy retorts to myself, opinions that cause others to stumble inside and second hand stories silenced. It seems pretty simple and I am not sure why my brain and my mouth find it so hard to comply and get along. I have come up with some basic rules I am trying to live by...

If you wonder if you should say it...don't.

Silence is golden, consider getting rich.

Now...I do have a lot of words I feel the need to use each day, so I will have to figure out a way to use them. Currently it has been apologizing to people, but if I follow my two rules...I am hoping to see the end of this trend. I have considered getting Gavin a knock knock joke book so I won't have to listen to the same jokes over and over. Maybe if I learn a few I can just throw those out in heated conversations or when I have the overwhelming urge to offer up my not needed opinion or involve myself in a conversation that I do not need to be a part of. However, if they are as bad as the current jokes he uses, I could be apologizing for those too!

Daddy wonderful

So, my husband has been daddy wonderful lately. With the month of July off, he's been filling our kids days with tons of fun and laughter. The other night I actually asked him if he thinks he's dying, "because, you're really making the most of every moment and livin' life to the fullest." He laughed at me.
It has been good for me to watch, but also humbling. Shawn is amazing at trying to make the most of things and let go of the "to-do" list, in order to enjoy life. Don't get me wrong, he still gets stuff done, but he doesn't exhaust himself or put himself on a ridiculous deadline to do it. I do. In the meantime, he is taking the kids on bike rides, letting them run around in their underwear all day, made mud pies in the 'watertable', use their sled to go dirt sledding in our backyard, made family waterballoon fights and had campfires in the backyard until "way past bedtime". The kids have been in heaven.
I was telling my mother, the kids are going to have a rude awakening this next Monday when all they have is mom. Mom who does the laundry, does the dishes and drags them on errands to such fun places as the grocery store and if their lucky, the library. It is a humbling experience to realize that I am just not a bundle of fun. I definitely lack Shawn's spontaneity and I am just learning to 'slow down' and not have to move at such a rapid pace.
Sometimes it bothers me. I get frustrated that things aren't working on my schedule and arent' going to get finished. However, Shawn always manages to finish what he said he would (maybe not as soon as I'd like, but he will always get a job done) and he has a way of keeping my kids smiling, while he's smiling too. I think it bothers me because I'd like to be a bit more like him. Some might call it jealousy. I probably would if I were willing to admit it.
On the flip side, I realize, Shawn is trying to cram into a month, the time I get with the kids for the rest of the year. He is trying to capture laughter, joy, hugs, kisses and smiles to carry him through another 11 months. Oh, he'll get some vacation here and there, but the job does weigh on him and his shoulders carry a weight during those months that can almost be seen physically.
And so I am trying to set aside my jealousy of how much my kids have smiled and laughed in the last four weeks and be thankful that they have daddy wonderful. I am trying to learn from him and get some tips on how to chill out a little and let things slide a bit more. I am trying to give myself some grace for not always being "super fun" because, the reality is, I am still doing my job of laundry, dinners, groceries, laundry, cleaning, scheduling and laundry.
In the end...mostly, I am realizing how lucky I am to have married a man who does know how to make the most of every moment and is passing that onto our children....they are so very blessed to have daddy wonderful.

Laughter and Time outs

Brayden. Brayden Brayden Brayden. Even as I type this, I hear him giggling in the family room. The child carries such a joyful spirit with him and induces smiles in most people he sees. (Those that don't smile, I think are just natural grumps or the victim of his careless behavior). Lately, he has been such an incredible handful...I have even found Gavin getting frustrated and correcting him. Can someone enjoy life too much? If so, Brayden's the man.
He just gets so into his little world and his moment that he takes no heed to the consequences of his actions...stepping on toes, hug tackling people unaware, pulling knives out of drawers to "just go cut something", splashing his swim teacher in the face, twirling in circles during karate to see the lights on the ceiling spin...the list goes on. He really does not have a malicious spirit, but neither does he have a spirit of obedience or submission to Shawn or I. It is SO difficult right now.
Watching him take on the world is both entertaining and scary. He has such tenacity and truly gets into life. But he does not listen and it is not because there have not been consequences or discipline. He's even gotten to the point where he does things and says, "Sooooorry" in the sing song voice of an attitudinal teenager...He's just three! It's ridiculous.
I love him so much. I desperately desire for him to learn to obey...not just for my sake, but for his own safety. I want him to learn to take time and think before acting and to know what it means to come under authority and respect those in charge. It will help in life so much and if he learns it now, it can save him so many unsavory consequences later. It sounds huge for a three year old, but I'm just talking about the ability to stop when I say stop, so a Mac truck doesn't take him out! I know he can do it.
The key is...I want him to learn without breaking the spirit that is 'Brayden'. I do not want to steal his joy or wipe out the unexplainable contagious smile that comes from watching him in action. I just am not entirely sure how to do it.
Tonight he came into the kitchen with his bright red fire socks on and his feet looking like deformed duck feet. He had shoved his marbles in his socks and looked up and us as he started sliding around and with the giggles he declared "I'm marbley skating...look at me go." We had tears in our eyes we were laughing so hard at all the fun he was having.
Our creative, willful, giggly, stubborn, smiley, crazy, joyful little boy. All I can do right now is pray that, as we "look at him go", God goes oh so closely with him!

For now

It's been awhile...life is good. God is good. Our family has gotten to vacate a little and we have enjoyed being "a family". Together.
I am still daily working through the beauty/frustration that is parenting, but was recently given a great little tidbit of wisdom. "There are a lot of Methods on parenting...it's the Principal you need to make sure is Godly. Those are the only things you can't waiver on." Good call. I feel like one thing works with Gavin and it's the way to go then Brayden completely blows the method to pieces...and I am off searching for a new one. It was a nice reminder, that as long as I am aiming to teach them Godly principals...I am doin' okay. Beyond even that, it was a nice reminder, that if I lean on God and really follow His direction, it's completly out of my hands...how freeing!!
That's been my latest revelation in the parenting world. The kids are growing so fast and going so fast, it is hard to document...hard to even remember to get out the camera! But I am trying. I want to capture the cuteness that is Amanda, the sweetness that is Gavin, and the silliness that is Brayden. I want to remember that I have moved past the episodes of spit up covering every surface of my body. I want to remember the day Brayden walked out of his room after officially dressing himself, chest puffed out, thumb pointing to self claiming, "I did it. Yup." I don't want to forget the first time Gavin told a joke and it was actually funny.
It's hard to capture it all. I am trying. I am definitely enjoying where we are at and these little ones that I have for this short time!

A prayer for the now!

It's nearly here...summer vacation! Everyone thinks the kids are the most excited, but I think, quite possibly, my excitement could overshadow any kids. Daddy will be home for a full month! Waaaa-hooo!
I know there are those out there who have the mentality of "teachers get all the breaks off" and are soo lucky. They have great schedules and what not, but I'll tell ya what, I could get on a soapbox about how much more time the man should get and the ridiculousness that he deals with (not to mention, we have to vacation always when all the kids are out and prices sky rocket). However...I won't.
I will say we are excited to have him home and have been trying to bide our time until he's available. He has been working late hours trying to tie up the school year and we've been trying to fill those hours up. The kids are in swim lessons and Brayden is taking karate (very fun), so most our afternoons are filled. We have been attempting to meet friends and do play dates...if the sun would cooperate, this could be much more fun. I really am starting to get disgruntled with the weather!
During July we have lots of plans and I am hoping we haven't packed ourselves too full. We are camping lots and I really want the boys to continue swimming. With three kids, we figure we are out numbered in the water and someone has to be able to keep themselves afloat!
I did realize, I am looking so forward to July, I am merely wading through June....just trying to get by. It's not the best way to do it and not that fantastic an example for my kids. Just plugging along is no way to live and I recently, after a little prayer and reflection, came to the conclusion that every minute is one worth attempting to live with intentionality. I am a firm realist and do realize that here are going to probably be many minutes wasted and ones that were anything but intentional. However, living with the constant looking ahead and planning for "later" really defeats having significant "now" time.
It is a challenge for me. I am tired. Tired of the rain. Tired of late hours. Tired of whining. Tired of buckling three kids in the car just to get coffee creamer. Tired of bad hair days and no time to try and remedy them (this may not change even with time). Tired of being tired.
Still...I am attempting to resolve to hit the caffeine hard and make something of the day. Even if there is just ONE great teachable moment...that is better than a whole lot of insignificant ones that my kids don't remember...or even worse poorly executed moments that my kids do remember.

So Lord Here is my prayer for the "Now"
Give me abounding love for the uniqueness that is in each of my kids, joy in doing the daily routine, peace about all the things I think "need" to get done, but are no where near done, patience to play on the floor and do one more round of Hi Ho Cherrio, kindness to include my children when they want to help with things, even though it usually makes it harder, goodness to go out of my way to serve others, even after a long day, gentleness to guide my kids hands over and over in teaching, and self control to correct and discipline with a heart like Yours!

A day not quite worth repeating

So...today was in fact a Monday. I decided, with nothing on the calendar, I was going to get stuff done. About 8:30, I decided we were going to be at the consignment store by 9:00 to consign the jumparoo that takes up an enormous amount of space and only serves to make Amanda scream. Got the kids packed and loaded and drove on down. Upon getting there I realize...oh yeah, my $96 in credit was stolen along with my wallet, so there will be no browsing. Lame. Chin up, at least I was second in line.
We make it through this relatively effortlessly, head to the fabric store to buy some fabric for a dress I want to make as a gift (with all the time I don't have). The boys are relatively good and Amanda is doing swell, considering we are about an hour past nap.
Get home, feed Amanda, lay her down and turn on a show so I can make the million phone calls I need to make (okay about 3, but it feels like a million when kids are around). I proceed. It is amazing what it takes to get to the dentist and get the van into the shop. I have to coordinate with about way too many people so that I can get my teeth cleaned and get a van to and from the shop (it is extremely hard to find someone available who has enough seats to take me and the kids all down to get the van when it's done...not to mention they never give you a firm time of pick up).
I then spend forever (about 45 minutes...which is WAY too much time for coupon hunting online) trying to find coupons online for the few items I need at the grocery store. I got these "doubler" coupons in my mom's newspaper and thought I'd try them. I have friends who are phenomenal at saving money this way. I come up with nothing! Finally I found a few items I could use (but are not on my list, of course) and decide to go with those, instead of just wasting these "golden coupons".
Reload the kids. We hit the bank and McDonalds. Not only did I succumb to the golden arches, but I actually fed some to Mandy. Oh how the mighty have fallen. My kids are spending the day in their carseats and eating french fries. Just wrong. I took them on a 2.5 mile hike this weekend and and making up for all that exercise in one foul swoop!
We head into Albertsons (where the special coupons are from..but where I barely ever shop) and start roaming the aisles looking for things. It is so hard when you aren't at one of your well known stores! The boys are actually being great, but my patience is wearing thin anyway...my mom voice totally starts to kick in. Just about then Brayden says the magic words, "Potty! Potty!" Of course, why wouldn't he have to go when I am in the grubbiest store near me! Yuck.
Finish that and attempt to finish shopping. Out of the 7 coupons I printed to double, the store carried only 1 of the items. ONE! So lame. I wondered around forever to get jack squat that I needed! Not to mention, of course the items I want were not on sale and I got suckered into 10 for $10 on lunchables...and after I fed the kids McDonalds for lunch I couldn't believe I was buying them, but they just seemed so easy for picnics (that's the optimist in me, believing that somehow Washington is gonna turn itself around and get some sunshine again) and fell into my cart. So of course, I spent more than I wanted on items I didn't want. Grrrr.
Grumpy we get back in the car for our last errand. Signing the boys up for swim lessons. Manda poops. I had changed a poopy diaper before we left, so decided I didn't need a diaper bag. Awesome.
We get there...go to the front desk, get sent to the pool, back to the front desk. We are done. Go back to the van. It stinks like McDonalds and baby poop. Not a good combo, but representative of my day.
We are back home and Mandy has approximately 45 minutes to nap before karate. I cannot decide if I am proud of all that I got done, or disappointed at all I drug my kids through. Maybe a little of both. Some days it seems I am super mom and super bomb all in one. Either way, I think I will chalk this day up to one I choose not to repeat.

Mother's Day

Every Mother's Day, I sit and write a letter/prayers for my kids. I look forward to it and dread it all at the same time. I look forward to it, because well, I don't really journal for my kids. I think it's a great idea, but the reality is I barely have time to write things on my hand so I remember a dentist appointment...what makes me think I'll have time to write down the daily doings of life!? I refuse to try this, for I am sure I will quit and some point and then feel like a failure, never to take it up again.* (I do kind of consider this blog a journal...kind of). I do have a "words to remember" book, I write down their funny sayings in, but it is not a record of who they are, how they are growing, and the prayers and dreams I have for them. And so I look forward to this day, where I reflect on my year of mothering my kids...of all they are and all I pray for them to be.
I also dread this time. How do you trap a year into a few hours of writing? (Ahem...maybe this is why some mother's keep a regular journal and write daily. Please note *) And how do you fit little personalities onto a page? How do you confine prayers so heartfelt and full, to sentences. How can you possibly write down your love for a child? Who knows? But still I try.
Every year on Mother's day, I sit with my pen and write in my sloppy handwriting (I think there is something about seeing handwriting, no matter how sloppy and knowing it was written for you). I write to each of the kids, explaining how they've grown, who they are becoming in my eyes, and write down the prayers I pray for them as they grow. I write to them as a whole, of who they are to each other and the prayers I have for their bonds to grow stronger and be the support they need for each other in this crazy world. I try my best to put on the page the love and joy each of them bring to my life.
And then, without re-reading it...I close the book and pray that one day they will read this and KNOW beyond a doubt, that I love them dearly and God loves them more than that!
I still haven't decided when I will give them this book. Maybe I won't. Maybe they can just have it when I go meet Jesus. Of course, I feel a little guilty that there are three of them and one book...someone is gonna have a lot of copying to do. But I'll be with Jesus at that point and won't really care.
No matter what the book does for them, it has helped me to recognize the great love I have for these kids, the great hopes and dreams I pray come true for them, the amazing personalities and quirks God has placed in them, the incredible joy they provide, just in being a part of our family, and how terribly I will miss them when they grow up and take on the adventure in the great big world.
I am thankful to this book, because, let's face it ladies...Mother's day isn't always daisies and sunshine...many times, it's us packing a picnic for the family and doing the laundry after a day at the park, cleaning up the glitter glue "present" they made that fell onto the van floor, finding a place for the homemade cards to be proudly displayed, breaking up arguments about who gets to help unwrap the present and generally being a mom. (Sidenote: my husband gave me some nice time off and a Starbucks card, he tried his best and I am quite thrilled!) But sometimes, Mother's Day is you have to be the mommiest you ever were. And at the end of a day like that, this little book helps me to remember, just why I do it. For those little people who make my life so full!