Keeping Christmas going

So Christmas is over. The lights look a little less twinkly, the garland is falling limp and the wrapping paper has all been ripped. No matter how you prepare for it, after Christmas let down is always a tad depressing. And in an effort to honor the season and be thankful, instead of slip into the after Christmas funk, lamenting over my children's attitudes of entitlement and the pile of returns I am not sure I'll ever get around to, I have decided to make a list of the wonderful things that happened this season!
-We had Amanda's first Christmas and she was so sweet and cute in all her little dresses.
-My sons sang wonderfully in the Christmas program and both were so pleased with their costumes...Gavin a wise man ("the green one mom") and Brayden the cow ("I say MOOOO")
-We did our annual tradition of delivering cider to those we want to honor for their quiet service to others and it was wonderful! The boys kinda got it (as opposed to last year...see december 2009 blog) and they participated fully, with grins wearing their Santa hats.
-Gavin loved (and Brayden tolerated) reading the Advent book we have and both of them have much of the scripture in it memorized, by reading it each night.
-The boys and I made a birthday cake for Jesus and they were so excited and proud.
-The boys were very patient during gift time.
-My family decided to do a service project with the kids and collect/buy items to create bags to hand out to the homeless. The kids got in the assembly line and fully participated, helpfully without complaint.
-My husband has been super dad and given me multiple hours with only one (and sometimes none) kid. The best was the day after Christmas...he took the boys so I could make a secret trip to the goodwill with old toys and clothes and put away all the Christmas stuff without little people underfoot!
-We have had the opportunity to do such fun things as a family, go ice skating, go out to eat, go Christmas light looking...
-Shawn and I have had two date opportunities and one with the boys staying overnight at Grandma and Grandpas!
-I had the chance to reconnect with a friend from highschool and meet her sweet family.
-We are getting to go up to a friend's lake house for New Years with some of our closest friend's and their kids.

We are blessed. After Christmas can be hard. All the ramp up and suddenly the celebration seems to stop. But when I look at my life, I mean really sit back and take stock...WOW! Not only do I have salvation and a God who has given me eternal life, to spite my sinful nature, but he has blessed me over and over again. Sometimes simple, sometimes awe-striking...He continues to provide far more than I can ask for or imagine...just like His word promises.
And so, when it seems so easy to slip back into the routine and the grind, I am going to work on training my heart. Because when I stop and look for the gifts, I see that God didn't just stop with Christmas and Christ's birth. He kept going and kept giving. I am going to try and do the same. Not just be thankful at Christmas, but keep going. If He did that for me...surely I can do this for Him.

Choosing Joy

With Christmas approaching, I can say my stress level is starting to rise. I am doing my best to keep it at a minimum, but it seems like every time I think I've bought the last present or been to the grocery store for the last ingredient, another item creeps up. The to-do list gets two items added for each thing crossed off and my shoulders start working their way up to my neck. For some reason (namely, my three children) I do not keep mental track of things like I used to and I just start to get stressed that something important is going to slip through the cracks. And in all of this, I get stressed that I am getting stressed and forgetting the meaning behind Christmas.
Due to the various errands and to dos of the season, my children have found themselves in the van and in the grocery carts quite a bit. Drug from here to there, they start to get cranky, then I get cranky. They disobey, I punish. They get mad, I get madder. It's really quite the holiday love fest and I get so disappointed. I want to be super mom, get it all done, have all the patience in the world and be doing the fun Christmasy things I feel I am supposed to do as super mom. This is not to be.
We have been trying to crack down a bit on the defiant behavior anyway, because since the baby has been born, the kids have taken to ignoring directions and throwing fits when we ask them to do stuff. For awhile I think Shawn and I were too tired to care, but recently we have teamed up to get back on track and well, the kids are not liking the follow through and frankly, neither am I...it feels like they are always being punished, because the are pushing every line there is! I am considering letting Gavin take up a permanent residence on his bed since he seems to be sent there so often.
And so...in an effort to make everyone feel better, I have been trying to make a consciencous effort to do Christmas things with my kids and find opportunities to some of the things they want to do and not just fulfill my own agenda. We have made some salt dough ornaments, we went to the children's museum, we went out ice skating, and went to the toys at McDonalds (this is a biggy, cuz they love it and it's just a bit too much for me on a normal day).
It's been nice to feel like I am putting them first. I know in the back of my mind, my kid's are far from deprived and loved well, but lately with all the defiance and disobedience from them, i think we have all felt a lack of joy around here. I am working hard to choose joy and put first things first. Sadly, for me it really is work. I am hoping it soon becomes habit.
Today, after a day where the kids went to the children's museum and got to go ice skating, Gavin got out of bed and was throwing some toy down the hall, thinking no one was nearby. I was so frustrated...a full day of fun for him, it's way past his bed time and he is totally disobeying the rule to stay in bed (might I mention here, he had already had two warnings from his dad to go to sleep and it was about 2 hours past bed time). I was ready to make the kid's life miserable. I snuck around the corner and asked, "Just what do you think you are doing?"
Gavin made a bee line away from me and started crying...my heart sunk and then lifted slightly. It sunk, because he was obviously sad he got caught and knew that meant trouble. But it also lifted, because he knew he had done something wrong. I didn't have to punish him for him to know. He was already sad. He was fully aware of what he'd done and what it meant.
I had him come out to the couch and we talked. He knew what he did and that he should have been in trouble. I told him, it wasn't going to happen tonight. Instead, I held him, rubbed his back and sat quietly looking at the Christmas tree with him.
As I sat there, I thanked God for my little boy. I thanked him for how many times he chose to talk to me as I guiltily cried and ran from Him, knowing I deserved punishment. I thanked Him for Jesus who took my punishment. I thanked him for a Christmas moment where on a very small scale I could show my son the mercy and forgiveness His Son has given us.
I thanked Him that because of Jesus, I could choose joy tonight, for me and my son.

Attached

Amanda has been a pretty easy baby. She is happy, she sleeps well, and when she's awake she coos at you, all smiles with her big blue eyes. Once a routine was established, she just blended right in.
As child number three, there isn't a great deal of time to sit down with Amanda and do all the things you do with number one. We don't have hours of tummy time on the floor, where I am capturing every moment on film. She has a great deal of swing time and is often left lying on her back to look at the Christmas lights, while I run number 2 to the bathroom or deal with number 1 throwing a tantrum. It's just life as she knows it and she goes along with it pretty well.
I will say, we have had some troubles with her gaining weight. I have taken to feeding her the breast milk in a bottle, just to make sure she's getting enough and even though she gets up to 30 oz. a day, she hasn't gained one ounce in the last two weeks. Today, the doctor made a referral to Children's Hospital's special growth clinic. She seems developmentally right on track, so I haven't been super concerned, but still it was a bit disheartening to hear.
Then, today, during one of those Christmas light gazing moments, I heard a blood curdling scream from Amanda. Somehow, she got a scrape on her forehead. I am pretty sure one of the boys accidentally drug something over her, but I heard a huge wail from her tiny little self. Gavin and Brayden both looked completely innocent and confused as to why she was yelling, which did my heart some good, knowing it wasn't on purpose, but you could still tell she was hurt.
My heart ached and all the sudden I realized I have fallen in love with my little girl. Before today, I knew I loved her and I would have told anyone. But like I mentioned, there hasn't been time with Amanda to sit, gazing at her and contemplating how much she means to me and how amazing it is that God gave her to us to care for. But when I saw the big tears come from her little face, my heart kicked into gear and I realized how completely I love this little girl and how much I wanted to see the tears dried and her ever present smile return.
I am so thankful for Amanda and so glad she is ours. This tiny tiny little girl, who just three months ago entered our world. I pray God would protect her and hold her close. And though I won't be able to dry all the tears she sheds, I hope that I can dry many and even when they fall, she'll know just how much she is loved!

Here is a bit of what we have been up to, in pictures. I feel like the picture loader on this thing takes awhile, but it was high time I put a few new ones on. Of course, typical me...I accidentally got them chronologically backwards and am too lazy to fix it. Oh well...they are still cute! Brayden's year to put the star on the tree. Notice we ran out of lights, but it was past the boys bedtime and we decided to let them top the tree before Shawn ran to Bartells to get the finishing strand!
Amanda's first snow and first time in the snow bear outfit.
The boys were soooo...excited to see the snow and go out and play and soooo sad when it melted.
We now have a super smiler on our hands. This is her usual self if someone is talking to her. Lovely!
Amanda on the morning of her dedication at church.
The boys in Pastor Phil's office as we prayed before service for Amanda's dedication.

Our friend's children who are here visiting from out of the country! We love and miss them so much!

Back to India

Our good friends R & K returned from India this August. K came busting through the trees to meet us at the park for Gavin's fourth birthday. It was like no time had passed. Her contagious smile, excitement to be around people, doing her little dance of joy and handing out hugs. R and the kids were close behind. The kids seemed a foot taller and R seemed, well the same, smirking at how excitable K and I were and commenting on how cute I was as a pregnant person, just because he knew I'd want to hit him for it. It was great to see them both and like no time had passed.
But it had passed. It had been two years since they had moved across the world to spread the gospel to people in India who did not know the love of Jesus. Two incredibly long and short years. Years in which they had traveled to places I've only heard of and seen things I can't comprehend. Years where jobs had changed and our family had caved to the American dream of the minivan. Years in which kids had grown taller and changed drastically.
But then they were here. We got to go out to dinner, play games, eat brownies, have a girls night, eat brownies, talk on the phone, and eat brownies. For three months, I was easily able to reach them by phone. We chatted after church on Sunday and we hung out together. My kids grew to know and love them (who wouldn't...K is amazing with little kids and well, R taught my son of the art of dart gun wars and is now his personal hero, much to my chagrin). My husband and I had a sense of contentment knowing they were living just down the road. Even though they were busy meeting up with friends, visiting family and sharing about their mission, there was a huge comfort in knowing they were just 5 miles away.
Friday night we had our last dinner with them and yesterday at church we hugged good-bye. My throat started to hurt, my eyes welled up and the ache of missing them began to set in. I'll be honest, I know for both of us life goes on. It's busy here with three little ones and from the sounds of it, Indian life is very busy with people and activity. But when I need someone to ask parenting advice from, when I have a question about the Bible, when I am need someone to hold me accountable, when I want to vent or to share a story of something lame I did that is too funny not to share, but too embarrassing to tell most people, when I need prayer, when I need brownies and laughter...I miss them terribly. I love these people.
It usually happens at night, at the end of a long day...Shawn or I will turn to the other and say, "I miss R & K." The other will say, "Me too." And we'll just lay there for awhile talking about how much they have brought to our lives and trying to convince ourselves that India needs them more than we do. I think my head knows that's true, but I am still trying to convince my heart.
It was so fun to have them here. SO great for my kids to KNOW the people in the picture we pray for. To ask for their kids to come play and to talk about them with the excitement we have. It was, as K would say, "a sweet season".
And so I am trying to be thankful for the time and not consider the loss that comes this Friday when they board the plane. Afterall, I am not the one headed back to India. I am not leaving all my family and friends. I am not entering a culture and world so far removed from this one and so challenging. I am trying to remember this and pray for R & K, as their transition is a thousand times harder than any of their friends back home. But still...I will miss them. I am so proud to call them friends and proud of the calling they have and they're fortitude to follow Jesus, no matter where He asks them to go.
They will be back in a year and a half. Yes a great deal will change, but I have a feeling the key things probably won't change at all and that comforts me. Plus, I still have my calling card and can always remind myself, a year and a half really isn't that long...especially in the scheme of eternity, right?

Listening to Words

My kids have been testing me and I think I am beginning to get an inkling of just how much God loves us and how often I must break His heart each day. The boys have been in constant disobedience, not listening to my words or heeding my advice. They are not getting along with each other well and they are often treating each other very poorly. They are making decisions that hurt themselves and have consequences that they do not like. They are being disciplined and rebuked quite often. I keep saying, "PLEASE listen to my words!"
I wonder how often God is saying this to us..."PLEASE LISTEN! Life would be so much better if you did." I know it wouldn't be all roses and sunshine (afterall, we do live in Washington) but I also know there would be less need for discipline and rebuke. I wouldn't cry out in frustration so much, I wouldn't get shocked when things didn't work out and I would treat others the way they deserve.
I think to myself of all the things we do to take care of our kids. To bless them. To treat them. To try and raise them right. And I think of how their little 4, 2 and 0 year old selves have no idea the lengths we go to and the sacrifices we make in order to make this happen. I think of how far God went, sending his only Son, to try and make things right...and how my 32 year old self has no real comprehension of the sacrifice He made. It is beyond me.
But I am beginning to get an inkling,just an inkling, of the great love He has for us and how much He wants the best for us. I am starting to understand how our obedience blesses Him, how listening to His words makes Him happy, because He knows it is for our best. How thanking Him for all the things He has given us, pleases Him and warms His heart.
I can say, in the midst of the chaos and difficult days at the Ryan house, I am grateful that I have been learning more about God the Father...the Ultimate parent. And hopefully, I will do a better job listening to His words as I ask my kids to listen to mine. Because where else will they learn it?

Hard weekend

It was a tough weekend at the Ryan house. A week where, try as I might, the kids don't seem to want to behave and I don't quite feel like the mom I want to be. Shawn was gone on the annual football trip, Gav was on his asthma meds and I was attached to a breast pump due to loss of milk (I got the flu) and Amanda has some weirdo rash we can't get rid of. Lovely. (Amanda also doesn't seem to be gaining weight like they want her to, but proceeds to spit out half of what she's fed, so who knows what to do there. She seems developmentally great and looks healthy, so I am letting that go for now.)
Anyway...it was one of those times where I just sat down in despair, feeling as though all I had done for three days straight is discipline my children. NOTHING was going right. I was doing my best to be consistent, but I finally broke and called my friend Stephanie crying...
"Just tell me I'm a good mom."
Oh bless Stephanie...she came through with a friend pep talk like no other and gave me a few words I think I'll be clinging to for awhile..."It's only been four days, they won't remember these four days."
Kids are resiliant and I think I forget that. They remember the train we took them on, they remember the pillow pet they got, the games we played and the special things we do. Sure, there are times they remember a punishment we doled out, but is that so bad...if sitting on your bunk bed for 30 minutes while your brother got to play games helps you remember not to throw the game pieces at your brother's head, PLEASE remember!
I think, as moms we can get down on ourselves for not having a day full of all positive reinforcement, arts and crafts, healthy snacks and hugs in between. I don't know where that reality is, but somehow I have a picture that days should go that way. My days don't. Yesterday we had chewies for snacks, no crafts what so ever and a quite a few corrections had to be made. However, I can say...there were hugs in between. And for now, in this season, I think I'm going to be proud of that.