Beautiful Mess

I mess up. As a mom, I punish when grace is required and cave when accountability is needed. As a friend, I give advice when listening is the answer and frequently act without thought. As a wife I nag instead of letting God refine my husband and am flippant when respect is needed. As a follower of Jesus, I serve withoutasking who God wants me to serve and head down paths without asking where He wants me to go. As a women in this world, I lose sight of priorities. I am a mess.
As mom's, friend's, wives and women, we all know our faults. Most of us could give you a good long list in under two minutes...a very extensive and detailed list. Some of the list would be reasonable and some of it would be from expectations placed on us by society, but either way, we live with the list running through our heads daily.
The last few days, God has been reminding me of how He sees me...as a kid. His kid. A kid that He loves. When milk is spilled and fits are thrown in public. When He asks me to obey and I yell, "I don't want to!". When I hit a brother or a friend. He loves me. When I run into the street, focused only on the ball and not the oncoming car...His heart jumps into his chest. It doesn't matter what I've done or what I am doing. He loves me. Sure, I am gonna get my time outs now and then and some serious lectures, but still...he sees me and calls me to be His little princess.
He knows the mess I make of things. He is working to help me clean it up. But that doesn't stop Him from loving me and seeing me as His beautiful child that He loved from day one. It wasn't audible, but I am pretty sure this weekend, I heard God whisper..."You are a mess, I know that...but you are loved and you are beautiful child." I took great comfort in this. Because if I am going to be a mess at least I am His beautiful mess.

Mom guilt

So, I am going to Tennessee for 5 days...leaving tomorrow morning at 6am and returning Sunday night at 9:20pm. I am headed to a MOPS convention, with four friends from church and I believe it is going to be a fun time! (I am not huge on lots of estrogen in one room, but fortunately these ladies are not super flowery, high maintenance and I really believe we will have a good time.)
Anyway...in order to get away, it seems the work load has doubled. Making sure the laundry is done, the boys have been bathed, the baby-sitting is lined up, the thank yous for the sitters written, the lunches packed, the bags packed for each day, the directions written out for sitters, the house cleaned up, the dishes cleaned ...and on it goes. Of course, each time I accomplish a task, it seems to be undermined by someone or something under the height of three feet. The bathroom gets cleaned then promptly trashed by toothpaste. The laundry gets done, then someone spills and another one wets his pants. Generally making sure the house is ready so re-entry won't be so hard and also trying to pack myself. (How one packs for 86 degrees with thundershowers outside and 72 degrees air conditioning inside, I am not sure, because those are completely different outfits in my mind....argh and I hate to overpack...more to unpack upon returning). I am also wanting to spend some time with the boys before I go...that is fun and not task oriented!
Now, my husband is completely capable and has said he will take care of it...and I know he will, but I also know, there is this thing called "mom guilt" that husbands just don't have. The feeling, that for some reason, they may not know how to live life without us and if we leave the family to do something for ourselves, we must in fact have to pay someway or somehow for going. And so we go about trying to do everything we do in a week in a day instead, trying to make it seem as though we won't even be gone. (Never crossing our minds, that maybe they need a break from us too.)
Anyway...that's where I am at today. Trying to fight off the mom guilt and just make it to 4am until I get picked up to catch my plane. And then, I will take in five whole days going to the bathroom when I want to, concerning myself with only my nutrition, turning over the sign that says "cleaning service" on the door handle, and sleeping in past 6am! I know I will be ready to see my kids, probably before the 5 days are up, but at the same time...boy oh boy am I looking forward to holding that "cleaning service" sign in my hands.

First Day of Cubbies

Gavin started Cubbies (the preschool awana program at our church) today. It was so crazy...I ran this program for 7 years and now I have a kid old enough to go! WEIRD. Anyway, he loved it and informed me on the way out, "That was so much fun."
Trying to look innocent, as though he doesn't know he's sending mom's OCD into overdrive
All the Faraone cousins, ashton, maryn, brayden, and gavin.

Okay, I look like a dork in this pick, but Ashton's hair was to good not to post. I love having neices...I get to do all the ponytails I want. (at least until they cry and my sister makes me stop)

A tootsie pop

So I was at a wedding a few weeks back and I was sitting next to my friend Sharon. In college we were in the same group of friends, but never hung out just us two. And now, Sharon is one of those friends from college who I see every now and then at gatherings. To be honest, I always wonder why we don't see each other outside of gatherings because she is so stinkin' fun. All that to say, we see each other about three times a year and aren't super close, but I would definitely say she is friend. We always have a great time catching up and laughing and I adore her.
On this particular occasion, she turns to me and says, "This is going to sound cheesy, but...when we were in college, you gave me a Tootsie Pop bouquet for my birthday and it meant so much to me, because I thought I had no friends right then and was feeling very down. I just wanted you to know I remember that and it was a big deal."
My first thought was, "A Tootsie Pop bouquet? Couldn't I have done better than that?" But...today I was driving along in the car and listening to a song about having "my moments" the seemingly insignificant moments in which we do something that can change a life.
I have been struggling with trying to prioritize and wanting always to make things "just so". Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting something to be a certain way that I don't do it at all. I want to send someone a card, but I don't have time to write a whole lot, so I don't bother to even send the small note to let them know I am thinking of them. I want to go and buy that personal gift, but I settle with something smaller and practical in lieu of time and money. I want to call and tell a friend I have been praying for them and their on my mind, but I know that the kids may wake up, so I don't.
I am grateful for the tootsie pop reminder today, because it has caused me to write a small note to a friend and call someone I have been meaning to call for awhile. It has reminded me, that maybe just a shout out or cutting some flowers from my yard to give to Gavin's Sunday School teacher may be just what was needed. And maybe, as a mom, with two little ones, "my moments" may be simple or covered in peanut butter, but no less significant.

Technology

There are people who cannot wait to get the newest iphone or computer. They are dying to have a machine the size of their pinky which can not only hold songs, photos, documents, and give them directions if they are stuck out in siberia, but it can also make calls, send faxes and schedule whole families doctors appointments. All in under three seconds.
I am not this person.
I want my camera, to be a camera, phone to be a phone, ipod to be an ipod and computer to be a computer. Each of these things already has about one thousand features to learn (and about another thousand I have found to be useless) and you want me to add them all together and find a way to make my brain navigate that mess?
I think part of my desire to back away from all this may insatiable curiosity and need to try and know everything and how it works. If I tried to know everything about all this, it would take me years. I am not willing to go to school to learn to use my phone. I'm just not. And so I get overwhelmed and frustrated that I am not using all of what I paid for and feeling that somehow I am missing out.
Every time I get a new cell phone (which seems like every two years...I think they are built to break right before you get that new "free" phone) sit down with the thing and obsessively try to figure out my new "toy". What? It's lunch time...hold on, I am getting my ring-tones. Oh, dinner, just let me figure out the texting configurations.
It's ridiculous. I have people wanting updates of my kids via e-mail, kodak gallery, facebook and blog. I try to leave a message at someone's house and they don't get it.
"You should have tried my cell."
"Why didn't you text me?"
"I am so much better at e-mail."
Frankly,I don't have the time to figure out what form of technology each of my friends and family prefers. Not to mention, I don't want people to be able to get ahold of me 24/7 and have the expectation that I am going to get back to them a.s.a.p.. I want a life outside of tweeting, fb and e-mail and I want to actually catch up on printing pics of my kids before I update the facebook page!
I am only 31 and I feel like I have a 70 year old's perspective on technology. (Actually, I know some 70 year olds who are way more savvy than I). Oh...this only scares me for the future, because I am going to have to figure out my kids world and how to navigate in it!
Who knows, maybe they will just develop a way to upload the manuals into my little brain and I won't have to worry about it!

Be Humble, be grumbly

For awhile we were having a very hard time with Gavin and the treatment of his brother. I decided to try get some scripture hidden in his little heart (it's never too early) and use it to try and teach him. When he hits kicks or pushes his brother he takes a time out and then I go and talk with him about his actions. Afterward, we have worked on a scripture in Ephesians (a modified version, mind you, he's only 3).
"Be humble, be gentle, be patient, love one another."
He has now mastered this and I can use it to teach him how he is supposed to treat others...including his brother. We then go ask Brady for forgiveness. So far so good.

Well, his newest thing is whining.
"No mama, I don't waaaant to."
"No I don't liiike that"
"No, No, No."
This does not bode well with me, especially when emphasized with a nice fall to the floor or thrown toy. We have tried the "use your big boy voice" line...with no luck. We have sent him to his room. We have deprived him of what he wants (or given him what he doesn't want for that matter, ex. broccoli). It seems we are in a constant state of complaining and whining over here. And so, I decided to find a new scripture.
Philippians 2:14 (I think) "Do everything without grumbling or complaining." PERFECT

For the last week I have been trying to teach Gavin this scripture and everytime I ask, "What has Mommy told you?"
This is his reply, "Be humble be grumble..."
At which point I have to cut him off..."Noooo....we are to be humble, but no grumbling!"
Lord, help me to do this without grumbling or complaining! Help him to get it!!! The worst is, sometimes it sounds so wrong, it's funny and I have to bite my cheek to keep from laughing and then Gavin gets that smirk and starts over, "Be humbly be grumbly..."

I'll tell you whose humbly and grumbly...me. I am humbled at how imperfect I am as a parent and grumbly my brilliant ideas don't work. This week I caught myself and realized that until I can truly take these scriptures to heart in my parenting, there is no way my kid is gonna get it! So here is to a new week. Humble with no grumble maybe Gavin and I can both get it!

Update on Cranky (see below post)

So...my husband saw the broken crane and decided to be super dad and go buy "Cranky." It was to be a fun special outing for Gavin. Of course, upon entering the train aisle, Gavin had a complete fit over wanting some other little gadget. (We of course know him well enough to know, the minute we got home he'd want "Cranky" and wonder why he didn't have it, since we had talked about it all day.)
Finally, we took him out of the aisle, gave him the "If you don't stop crying we're leaving right now speech" and set him and Brayden up at the train table they have to play with. I sat with the kids while dad bought Cranky.
This is when I get the phone call that Shawn is out front and I should bring the kids. Oh yeah...let me just tell them we need to go! Brayden went ballistic, grabbing at trains and throwing them and Gavin started crying that he had gone "Stinky poo poo" and wanted his pants changed (thank you LORD we had a pull up on). Of course, I didn't have a diaper, nor did I have a cart to throw them in, so I was carrying (barely) one screaming child and dragging another out of Toys R US. I was that mom!!!
As I step out of the store, Shawn says, "Well that didn't go as planned."
No Joke! But then, with two toddlers, what really does?