Gavin's goin' to school...

I just finished a book about two mothers raising their daughters.  And while the book didn't really do much for me, it did get me to thinking about the upcoming school year....2012/2013...the first year I have an elementary child.  I haven't thought too much about it really.  Gavin will turn 6 the first week of school and I actually feel that he is quite ready for Kindergarten and will love having something he does everyday.  He loves routine, he is pretty social and he is sooooo interested in learning (and with a mother that has the tolerance and patience of a gnat when it comes to answering questions, school will be wonderful).  So I was feeling pretty good about putting on the backpack and waving him off. 
Enter said book.  It made me stop and consider the fact that we are entering territory where Gavin will no longer be protected by me.  His feelings, his actions, his questions, will no longer be filtered with me by his side, to explain, protect and comfort.  It rocked me a bit.  I know many moms think about this long before Kindergartern, but well, it really just entered feild of focus. 
I don't really write about Gav much, because well...he's just a relatively easy goin' kid.  Sure, he has his share of funny stories, he has his meltdowns (especially when tired), he is overdramatic about injuries (think amputation theatrics over stubbed toes), but all in all...he doesn't rock the boat.  Gavin is sweet, he is considerate, he usually thinks through his actions, he is a rule follower, black and white and well...a bit of a type A people pleaser.  Out of all my kids, I understand his thought process the best (so far, I am definitely not banking on this forever, but I am thankful for it now) and parenting him as been a little bit easier for me...not better or worse, just easier. 
Anyway...suddenly I am confronted with the fact that he is going to have outside influences confronting him everyday.  I am still trying to process this.  New friends, new ideas, new words, new attitudes...Oy!
The biggest thing weighing on my heart is the friendships he is going to make.  Oh how badly I want him to make "that" friend.  The one he can trust, the one he can call, the one who will choose right and encourage him to do the same.  But if he doesn't...I want him to have a faith strong enough to carry him and give him the strength to stand alone.  It breaks my heart to even think about the latter, but being honest with myself, I am sure there will be a time each of my children will need that prayer. 
I am not even sure how to pray for myself, to be the mom I need to be during these next years.  To help my children and I to have open communication, to be someone they trust, to listen to them and have them feel heard, to make the tough calls even when 'all the friends are doing it, have one, or are getting one', to be the mom I need to be.  Strength, compassion and wisdom that I cannot begin to fathom are going to be needed.
My sweet boy is getting to big kid teeth. They are coming up and moving in...pushing out the baby teeth on the front bottom.  I was so excited to wiggle those loose teeth, but looking at the big boy ones behind them just reminded me of what's happening.  Once the baby teeth are gone...they're gone.  The new ones are permanant.  Barring any accidents or face punches...they are hear to stay. 
When I watch him wiggle his tooth I am reminded just where we are at...going back and forth between baby and big boy, just about to fall out into a routine that will be permanant for the next 12-16 years. 
I could be scared if I start dwelling on it too much, but I believe God has given me a grace in being able to let go a bit on this one.  Do I have anxiety?  Am I nervous?  Yes and yes.  But overall, I am just grateful I serve a God who has given me such a precious child and that He is reminding me daily that He loves Gavin more than I do.  Hard to fathom, but true. 
And while I do get overwhlemed at the idea of feilding a whole new realm of parenting...I am trying to focus hard on the two great gifts...Gavin and a God that has amazing plans for his life!

Never say never

There are many things in motherhood which we think "I'll never do that" and sure enough we find ourselves doing that exact thing.  I will say, working in children's ministry so long, I had enough experience witnessing women say this and then going back on their word, that I at least learned not to utter the words aloud.  However, this does not prevent me from thinking them in my head. 
A few quiet "I'll nevers..."
...have the kid with the snot nose, crazy hair and stained shirt  (hey...somedays I am happy they have a shirt on at all).
...let my kids use the couch as personal jungle gym (who was I kidding, it's June 17th and raining like crazy, use the couch the cushions, whatever kids, I am fresh out of rainy day activities).
...have a screamer (ummm, Amanda has perfected the scream.  She gets in trouble for it, but it doesn't stop her and I am not sure how I ever thought I could just declare this as an "I'll never" as though I could remove the screaming vocal chords).
Eh...ya live ya learn.  I am just glad that the majority of these remained in my head.  I say majority, because well, there is one thing I have taken issue with.  Shoes that have characters on them.  I declared a ban on them long ago.  Not going to happen on my watch. 
Enter Disneyland.
We decided to go months ago and thought to ourselves, Bray will grow an inch by July, right?  Wrong.  Our little man has remained little.  He is two inches short of the 40" rides.  (He is a really tiny four year old).  Anyway, we decided to try and find the chunkiest shoes we could.  I went to so many stores and believe it or not, the fattest ones I could find with the highest insole were Disney Lightening McQueen.  Oh and to top it all off...they light up.  Blink Blink, baby. 
My son is in heaven. 
I am humbled. 
Every time he runs and I see the blinking red lights drawing my eyes down to Lightening McQueen, I am reminded that never is a strong word.
And so I continue on my journey of motherhood wondering where we will go next.  Because it's been a glorious road to walk, but often quite different from the one I thought I would take.  I guess the brightside is, as long as Brayden walks with us, we have blinking lights to help guide the way.

Dreaming big dreams

Today I have aready picked up stray white hairs from a judge's wig, tied a cape four times, helped find cowboy boots, tied one M&M costume and readjusted pilots goggles at least 15 times.  The dress up box has come down. 
At least once a week Brayden begs to have me bring down this box.  At least once a week, I do my best to put avoid it.  It means a mess, it means playing rescue, piloting, emergency and other various things that require an intense imagination that God did not give me.  But he gave it to my son (and quite possibley my daughter too, from the looks of it). 
I am afraid my imagination is pretty limited and usually it's biggest jump is to an isolated island where there are no over flowing laundry baskets or sinks full of dishes.  It does not react quickly to character changes, scenario changes or other various mixes Brayden comes up with, such as doctors at the circus or policemen on the moon.  Brayden is an imagination phenom.  And when I can step out of my type A, concrete sequencial self, I am amazed at how his little brain works.  I do not understand it, but am in awe of all he can dream!!!
Today, looking into his room, amongst the ginormous mess, there I saw him... judges wig, safari hat, cape, binoculars and wristbands.   He looked up with a big satisfied smile, "Hey mom."
I do love that little face.  To see his joy at being in his element and to see his pride in the crazy attire he came up with (all that served some purpose, I am sure he could tell you about), my heart melted.  I was gonna have him clean up...but well, that's my element.  Today, I am gonna do my best to set myself aside and let him live in his.  I may not understand it, but I can see he thrives in it. 
I will admit...many days this is hard for me...little Bray and I are so different.  But to see his joy, is making me try just a that much harder.  So many days I make him live in my world...maybe it's time I try to live a little more in his.  He's happy there and that's where he dreams the big dreams...who am I to stop that?

Be careful little ears what you hear...big mouths what you say

Gavin is getting older and as he does here are some of the things I hear,
"What in the world?"
"Uh oh is right!"
"That is sooooo frusrating" (t, purposely left out)
"Oh listen to the music, here's where it kicks in....yeeeeahhhhh!"
He is starting to pick up more and more and I am having to learn to be more and more careful about what little ears hear. 
Yesterday in the car, we were listening to a mixed CD with Katy Perry's "Raise your glass" and there is a line, something about "dirty little freaks" that Gavin caught.
"Mom, what's a freak?".
"Ummm...well, uh, I guess it's kinda like saying weird."
"Oh, so if something is weird we can call it a freak."
"Well, no.  It's a mean way to say someone is weird.  We've talked about dirty words and that's one we don't use, okay."
"Why did they sing it?"  (of course the why)
"Well, we probably shouldn't be listening to songs where they call people freaks...we should skip this one" (sigh.  i really liked that song)

Fast forward.  Today in the car...the CD is humming along and I hear from the back, "MOM!  Dirty word, dirty word!  Skip it Mom!"

Well, folks there is good news and bad news here.  Gavin is listening.  He is choosing to do right and to filter out the dirty stuff.  Me...not so much, apparently I still have some learning to do.  I will say this, I am pleased to announce that, at least "freak" is the only F word he knows.  (:

Doing good

The other day, after swim lessons, Brayden kept complaining his tummy hurt.  He had already gone to the bathroom and I figured, he was just kinda whining.  So...half way home he screams, "big ones!".  Fortunately, for me, our home was not far off.  I told him to hold it, floored it home and hopped him out of the car to the front door, where dad met him (let's just insert a small praise the Lord, that dad came home this day).  I had just answered a call and was going about my business unloading the other kids and gear, when I see Shawn peer out of the bathroom with an irriated look.  I go to check...
There is poop on the floor, on his underwear, his pajama bottoms, the rug and somehow (I do not want to imagine how) the shower curtain.  Ummm..."gotta go" I tell my friend and then do what I can to pitch in. 
Shawn, cleverly started carrying things to be hosed off outside.  Amanda is running around yelling, "Uh oh" and Gavin looks at me and says, "Uh oh is right?  Huh, mom?"  I took over hosing duty and as I sprayed various diarehea saturated items I couldn't help but just shake my head at what exactly I was doing...and the fact that it really didn't phase me too much.  But I was thinking...I would much rather be doing just about anything else. 
Today I heard a lovely sermon reminding us to, "not grow weary in doing good".  It was given by a friend of mine who is a missionary in India.  And while I tend to think that the persecution and frustration they deal with is nothing compared to my little world...it was still a wonderful reminder to keep on keeping on.  Because frankly I find it easy to grow weary being a mom. 
-Showing  patience when asked the same question 20 times
-Being gentle when my daughter is playing WWF smackdown during diaper changes
-Loving our children during a meltdown over who got the pink cup
-Remaining calm when all three are screaming in the car over something they want, don't want, or can't decide if they want and knowing we are trapped with it for another 20 minutes
-Responding in kind when your child tells you "I don't like this" before they even tried it
-Letting the person behind you who only has 10 items go ahead of you in the grocery line, even though your kids are at their end, because you have a huge cart and three kids who are totally making it take forever and it's just the right thing to do...letting them out and not have to be tortured along with you
-Being thankful for the little hands and little feet that throw food and tromp mud through the house
-Choosing joy when the poop is sprayed across the bathroom
Doing good.  It pays off in so many ways...not only building our own character, but the character of our children and those around us.  It sounds simple...I believe most of us think 'of course we want to do the right thing'.  But sometimes, yelling seems easier and taking the pink cups away from everyone and throwing them in the trash runs through our minds. 
It isn't exactly persecution, but it is what God has given us for the moment and we are to do good.  What a great reminder!
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.    Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers"  Galations 6:9-10

He gives and takes away

While we were looking for churches, I decided I needed to get into a Bible Study, so that I was actively held accountable to something.  I wasn't sure where to do one and ended up at a friend's church, doing a Beth Moore study on James.  It was lovely.  Just what I needed.  A group of ladies that knew each other well enough, weren't all best friends, and wanted to study the word.  I am grateful for him placing me here for such a time as this.
In this study there was one lady in particular that I just enjoyed. In the middle of the study, she announced she was moving to Oklahoma. I saw her friends tear up and others exclaim, with congratulations on her husband's new job. Since I didn't go to this church or previously know these ladies, I really didn't have much to say, but my heart took a plummet. I felt like something wonderful had been snatched from me before I had a chance to really know what it was. 
She was real, funny, thoughtful.  She came dressed up, dressed down, early, late and sometimes not at all.  She listened well and when she spoke it was worth listening to.  She had an easy smile and though not overly outgoing, she was well recieved and known by everyone.  There was a humility and wisdom about her that was hard to describe and I can almost (I say this because I do not know her well) gaurentee she would give you a quirked half smile if you said this to her or maybe laugh out loud.  She was someone in whom I saw Jesus living in and through and I wanted to know her better.
Ahh, but I guess this is not to be.  Today was the end of our study together and she is moving July 5th out west.  I am trying not to be sad...it seems silly, because this is a woman I hardly know.  But what I do know is that God used her in my life. I know the little things she said, added greatly to the conversation at our ladies table.  I know her willingness to be vunerable and real about a life that isn't perfect, related to everyone.  I know that when she spoke, people wanted to listen.  What I don't know, is if she knew all this. 
I wish I had taken the time to tell her.  On the way out the door, I did let her know I am glad I met her.  I wish I had taken the time to say more.  To let her know I can tell the other women at the table are so thankful for her.  That I am so thankful for her.  That I can see Christ's light in her and I am so grateful for the breif time I got to sit in it! It seems akward.  I am having a hard enough time putting it in writing and I am sure I would have stumbled over the words.  Still...I should have tried.
I am still pondering why exactly my heart feels such a loss for something that never really was. And though it feels like something is being taken, I guess I could say, I have been given more than I would have ever thought to imagine through this small stint of time. That does seem pretty much a God sort of thing to do.  
The biggest thing I learned in all this?  Through God's grace, we, in our daily routine, doin' what we do, can be transformed into people that others are just drawn to, that others long to know...and in that, others will see Jesus.  We read all about it in the Bible, but it is an entirely different thing to see it lived and week after week have it sit down beside you.  Oh the blessing to be reminded of this lesson and the inspiration it has given me to grow up just a little bit more! 
Thank you Lauren,...Oklahoma is so going to be so very blessed!!!

"Jesus told me"

Today, riding in the car Gavin declares, "I know what I am going to be when I grow up."
Me:  "How do you know?"
Gav:  "Jesus told me I am going to be a train conductor when I grow up."
Me:  "Oh...Umm, how did he tell you."
Gav:  "He told me in my heart, like you said.  That's how he talks to us and in my heart I want to drive trains."

I looked at Shawn and declared, "I don't know where to go with this."  Shawn said, "Nowhere."
And so I left it alone (yes, I do listen...every now and then).  It was a sweet moment.  Gavin and I have been going around and around about how we hear God.  He kept saying, "I don't hear Him."  And I kept trying to explain, he talks to our hearts.  It's a hard concept for me...let alone to explain to a five year old. 
And today, in his five year old way...he's getting it.  Maybe he will be a train conductor.  When I suggested this Shawn gave me a look and declared that trains probably aren't the wave of the future.  I just think maybe there will be newer trains and it would be cool if Gav drove them. 
Who really knows?  God can also change Gav's heart to something we never dreamed of.  The good news is that Gav is listening to it and I LOVE that!  Oh sweet moments....