Crossroads

Life has hit an interesting crossroad. For those that know us, I used to work at a church and then continued to attend it...we were pretty involved in it. However, in the last few months we have started attending a different church and it has changed our lifestyle quite a bit. We just don't have the same commitments we used to and it has freed up a great deal of time.
On the flip side, our kids are getting older, I am beginning to look into registrations for kindergarten and preschool and sports are already becoming an issue in the house...our time is getting eaten up.
So as we hit this point in our lives, I am struggling to make healthy habits for our family. We need to get involved in church and make sure we are giving back to the place that feeds us...but where and how much? We want to find a ministry our family can pour into, but where? We know this doesn't have to be in the church, but after working at one for so long, it is just a different scenario for us. We want the kids to participate in sports and activities, but they can't do all they want to. Karate, preschool, swimming, soccer and cubbies is too much for us to coordinate and ridiculous for a 3 &5 year olds schedule. One sport is enough...now to choose it. And to tell your child they are not going to be on a team with all their buddies. I am already feeling the pressure. I feel like I should be able to have them do it all, however, in my heart of hearts, I know that what is right is to set limits and be the mom who says "No". God, Family, Friends...those are our priorities and that is the order. I am just not sure why it seems so hard.
All that to say, I am excited for this new place in life, because I feel like it is a fresh start and if I plan it right, I can start good habits. But I am also a tad overwhelmed at the responsibility. And so I am praying hard that God gives wisdom. He says He will to those who ask and I am taking the time to ask a lot! We'll see how it goes...
I must say, I am continually suprised by the things I hit my knees for. I never considered I would be spending so much time asking God to help be choose between soccer and karate for my three year old, but here I am. I think my next prayer will probably be to ease the anxiety over the paper work all theses activities create!

strength and weakness

I fully remember Shawn looking me square in the eyes, when I was pregnant with Brayden and informing me that we couldn't have a girl...I was all the drama he needed. Though slightly offended, I laughed it off. Puh-lease, it's not that bad.

Enter Amanda. Um, yeah. So when the drama is directed at you, it is that bad. Every one complains about the drama of a teenage girl, but no one mentions that the emotionalism begins at birth and just progresses. By 16 months we have waterworks on demand, screaming glares of detest when corrected and head banging on the floor when she doesn't get her way. (Here I insert my apologies to my husband for all my inane emotional outbursts. I now understand why SHawn sometimes steps back and looks at me with the look that says, "I've got nothin'. I am pretty sure you are currently insane and anything I do may add to the maniac you have become." And so he remains silent, which only adds to my fury.)

And so, unwillingly and with great humility, I admit...she probably gets it all from me. However, this does not mean I have any coping mechanisms to deal with it or a great strategy to put in place in order to prevent or circumvent an Amanda moment. I am at a loss with this little lady.

BUT...with her drama and her spirit, comes a great enthusiasm for life that has recently brought so much joy to my heart. She is imitating the older kids and completely keeping up with them, she's learning signs and words so fast, she is dancing to the wii games with the boys and she's doling out kisses and snuggles in between activities. She is so completely FULL of life. We are just loving it!!

It is the same in all of us I suppose. Our greatest strengths also being our greatest weaknesses. I for one am overly organized a bit of a rule follower and love to have things go according to plan. This plays out well in some arenas, but well...just read the above and I am sure you can see the pitfalls of all those "strengths". I just hope my friends and family (and hopefully strangers too) can find the good and avoid seeing the downfalls of my sometimes neurotic behavior.

As for my kids...and Amanda, her crazy, dramatized, spitfire way of taking on life has some amazing brightsides that I am discovering. I must choose to see her through the lens of positivity, as I hope others choose to see me. In doing so, I am finding a little girl that I just giggle over regularly and puts a smile on my face so many times a day.

Do I still get irritiated when the drama takes a turn for the worse and I find her bent over banging her head on our hardwoods and giving me a glare that says, "Look what you have reduced me to"? Yes. Yes I do. However, I am reminded that it is the same enthusiam that has her shaking her hands in the air, wriggling her shoulders and bum barking like a dog and dancing around to wii "just dance for kids" trying to keep up with her brothers as they break it down to "who let the dogs out". Great weakness, great strength.

And so I thank God. For my kids...their strengths and their weaknesses. For my strengths and weaknesses. And I pray that He grants me grace when my weaknesses seem to prevail and that He reminds me to grant grace for my children. I also pray that He helps me to take great joy in what it is that makes them who they are...because afterall, they are His creation and there's nothing to complain about in that!

I found Jesus

So...about two days after decorating for Christmas, I turn around to find Jesus missing from the nativity scene. If this wasn't an amazing analogy to how most spend the Christmas season, I don't know what is. We spend all this time decorating listening to carols, getting ready to celebrate and about two days in are completely overwhelmed, with letters to write, presents to buy and wrap and lists to make on what we are bringing to all the holiday activities that fill the calendar...and somewhere in there, we lose Jesus.

I was really disappointed. We stopped and looked now and then, but he was no where. We prayed daily. Then one day, Shawn called a halt to all family activity and proclaimed a family search to find Jesus. We looked and looked and about 15 minutes in, back behind the photo albums in the side cupboard, I found Jesus!

We took him over to the nativity, set him between Mary and Joseph, faced the wisemen toward him and sat back in triumph. Then promptly turned and walked away, back into the chaos of the season.

I have to say...as disappointed as I was to have lost Jesus, I think I may be more disappointed that I found him. At least, when he was missing...I spent my time looking for Him. I was reminded of how much I need Him and I prayed daily about the importance of His place in the story. Once I found Him, I put Him in his place of honor, took Him for granted and went about my business, just assuming He'd be there when I needed Him.

I don't want to treat Jesus this way. He is a humble King who gave His life for me. I am trying to remember when I see Jesus in the nativity scene, to not just go about my business, because I know He's there. But to take time to thank God that He is there, that He was sent, and that He fulfilled His promise of reconciliation.

Oh Lord, forgive me for my expectations and ungratefulness of Your greatest gift and remind me that Jesus is right there, only because of Your great mercy and grace. Thank you, for helping me find Jesus...again!

Another bout with technology

Today was not a very good day at the Ryan household. Mommy is overwhelmed. As much as technology benefits us...today it has exasperated (spelling? no spell check here) me!

Because of technology we are capable of so much more. People expect more cuz you can do it faster and buy it quicker. Three clicks and your bills are paid. Four searches and the carseat is found for less. Google maps and you have directions. Shoot out an e-mail and twenty people are contacted for a pot luck. Buy the Christmas cards, make the scrapbook, read the news and get the diapers, all in one sitting. Well, frankly, I wish it weren't all so "possible" because then people wouldn't expect me to do it!

In order to pay the bills, I have to have kids occupied and not hanging on me...or I may just pay the phone bill twice. I have to track a sheet from my old computer to my online account to know when the bill went through. I have no check registery anymore.

My benefit people want me to do it all online too. They can't help me over the phone anymore and want me to find a pediatric eye doctor through their website...well, I can't. It's not working and no one can help me.

The medical benefit people want me to create an account, scan in birth certificates and upload them to verify my kids are my kids. I have copies I offered to mail (because, actually this would be much quickwer and far more possible to do with three little people around). No thanks...they siad they really prefer we do not mail them in. Sweet! Another 20 minutes on the laptop...fending off the kids.

Scrapbooks and Christmas cards are not just five clicks and done. It takes time, it means decisions, it means many more options than just picking a box that looks good and signing your name to a card with a small note.

Sure it's awesome to contact 20 people at a time to see what they want to bring to something, but if they don't "reply all" suddenly you have 20 salads and no one is bringin a main dish. So we start all over and the inbox fills with reply after reply "RE: potluck".

Don't even start me on the research options of a good carseat and always feeling like you may have missed "the best" deal.

Overwhelming.

And so as I type on this wonderful blog that technology has helped me to create...I can't help but wish I weren't so available to people and able to do so many things at the click of a mouse. Today, a rotary phone and a checkbook sounded mighty good to this mom who spent most her day angry with her kids, so she could "conviently" use the compter to live life. I am not sure this is how it's supposed to go down.

God and I have had a chat. Tomorrow kids win and computer takes the backseat (that is if I manage to not hurl it out the door....). I am going to live life tomorrow the old fashion way...with people!

Influences

There are so many people raising our kids. Many people worry about the "outside" influences...teachers, friends, parents of friends you don't really know, coaches, etc.. We want the best for our kids and we do our utmost to make it happen. We worry about the wrong influences and pray that God will provide the "right" people in their lives. Today I was reminded, that God is already working on our behalf and there are so many influences already at play...already teaching my kids...way before they even entered the arena of teachers and coaches.

My friend Gini...who had four girls...each so different. She taught me that each child is an individual and needs to be raised that way. She taught me to "learn" your children, try to speak their individual languages to reach them so they can hear you. She also taught me the value of scripture as a teaching tool and my kids can thank her for the verses they know...in leiu of when they speak out of turn, (let no unwholesome words depart from your mouth, only that which are uplifting...), treat each other inconsiderately (be humble, be gentle, be patient and love one another) and when they whine (do everything without grumbling or complaining). I saw Gini parent, I watched her girls grow and I learned so many things and now my kids are learning them too.

My friends K & R, who followed God to India...and took their kids with them. Their kids have been carted half way across the world and while some would fear they would have to deal with all sorts of issues, K & R trusted God in his call and those kids have to be some of the sweetest kids with the most compassionate hearts and greatest understanding of what it means to know and love God at such a young age. And though my kids may not know first hand the amazing people R & K are, (though I am hoping on their furloughs and through life they may come to find out...they will learn SO much more!) my kids have their picture and we pray for them...and my kids are reminded go where God sends you and it is all of our jobs to tell people about Jesus.

My friend Stephanie...who is one of the most patient, understanding and servant hearted people you will ever meet. She has brought this mom lattes on days when all the mommying seemed too much. She has loved my kids and housed them, when mommy brought home the new babies. She has changed her plans, so my kids can be at her house eating chewies, playing in the yard, being tickled, snuggled, loved and doted on. My kids have learned the value of being a friend and knowing another place where God's love abides and they are safe and welcome.

Our friends the Shurtleffs. My kids have vacationed more times than I can count with this clan and spent so many nights eating dinner and crashing at their house so mom and dad could laugh and play games. My kids have learned the importance of friendship from the Shurtleffs. They have learned there are places outside our home that feel like home and that there is family that is not blood.

Pastor Paul and his wife Joanie. I was priviledged to work with him and he would get down on his hands and knees in his office (mind you, he is not exactly a "young" man) and hide behind the desk to pop out and greet my kids. He loved and valued all kids. When in his presence, my kids learned that what a "Pastor" is, one who values, cares and loves his flock....even the littlest. Paul taught me that it's okay to doctor your coffee with a mini reeses peanut butter cup and he and his wife taught me to pray for my kids. And pray more. I know he prays for my kids too...I look forward to the day they can fully appreciate the influence of that.

I could go on, but tonight those are the people who have been on my mind and my heart. And while I understand the caution we need to have with the influences on our kids, I also understand that there are influences we forget about. That we often overlook, take for granted and underestimate. I am grateful for the people God has brought into my life. Times like this, I step back and recognize how incredibley full my life is. More than that, I recognize that my kids have been incredibley blessed from a young age to have such amazing influences. I am thankful...and I am grateful for all my kids have been influenced by...from people other than me!

Today I "worked"

Today i went to "work". A friend of mine who cleans houses needed help yesterday and today on a 5500 square foot house. A family was moving in and they wanted a pre cleaning. Just for reference, this house had it's own sports bar and theatre room (with reclining theatre rows, big screen, curtains and what not...crazy).

I left at 7:20 am in the morning and got home at 5:30. I was on my knees scrubbing much of the day. My back hurts, my legs hurt, my knees hurt, my everything hurts. I learned the wonders of water and vinegar and all they can clean and I learned that my house is probably very dirty, considering all the things I cleaned but never touch in my household (it's a good thing I have no blinds...I'd be screwed...those suckers are lame to clean!).

However, I did it all without a person on my leg. I peed when I wanted to. I actually sat down to eat my lunch! FOr that matter, I ate a lunch!!! When I cleaned something, it stayed clean. When I went into abother room, no one was yelling for me. When I drove in the car, I listened to the radio and had no "background music". It was different.

I will admit, I enjoyed a break from the norm. I enjoyed the relative quiet. I enjoyed "work".

But as much as I ache...I can tell you, I missed the "staying at home". I missed loading up the van for a trip to the grocery store and hearding the kids through the aisles. I missed helping little hands trace lines and cleaning the crayons off the table...with "help". I missed going to the park and tracking the boys while following Amanda around the toys...bending over awkwardly to help her from falling down. I missed the laughter at lunch time while the boys made faces and I continually went back and forth to the fridge to get more milk, more carrots and put away all the things trailed across the counter to make a lunch. I missed stuffing some crust in my mouth while moving to the couch for story time. I missed Mandy crawling into my lap anytime I sat down, Brayden's super snugs and Gavin reminding me "I love you mostest more mom". I missed cleaning off boots from outside dirt digging and giddy boys coming in to tell me about their excavations in the sideyard.

I missed my kids and all the well, work, that they are.

Gavin's going to heaven...

The other night, Gavin and I went out on a "date". He got a new wallet and a Starbucks card for his birthday and he couldn't wait to use it. I had decided that we were going to have a serious talk in the car on the way to Starbucks. The kids have been asking a lot about heaven since my mom's cat died and since Shawn's Grandpa passed away. I wanted to chat with Gavin about it.

I have been struggling lately as to what to tell Gavin. He talks as though everything that dies goes to heaven. He knows that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again to conquer death. He knows God sent Jesus for everyone and God wants everyone in heaven. But he doesn't know about hell. I haven't told him for fear he would be telling everyone under the sun that they are going there if they don't know Jesus. And while I believe this is true, I don't know that declaring it out loud randomly in a grocery line is a way to explain it to people.

I want my child to live in truth. I am not sure why I am so afraid of it sometimes. I think, maybe, it's because I don't like to think about hell either. I don't like to think that some people choose to reject Jesus Christ and his sacrifice that offers us a way to God. It's interesting to me that so many people believe in heaven, but don't want to believe in hell. But, then I like to think about heaven, but avoid thinking about hell...that it's real and people are really going there.

All this to say...I decided to talk with him in the car. I asked him if he knew what sin was...

"Yes, the naughty things we do."

Do we all sin Gavin?

"Yes, everyone."

Even mommy and daddy?

"Yes."

That's right.

Gavin why did Jesus die?

"To save us from our sin. And so we can go to heaven."
Gavin do you know if you ask God to forgive you for your sin and tell him you believe in Jesus, you can go to heaven and be with HIm forever? Do you want to do that?

"Yes."

And so we prayed. And my son asked Jesus into his life and began a journey of following Him.

SO EXCITING! Gavin has Jesus in his heart and a life growing in God ahead of him. It says in the Bible that angels rejoice when we turn to God...and I was rejoicing with them.

I was also rejoice, because I believe God gave me some reprieve from the "hell" conversation with my son. Instead he did have a little conversation with me...reminding me that I need to be mindful that hell is a reality and people are going there. It isn't Gavin that needs to be living in Truth right now, it's me. There is a hell and Jesus is the way to avoid it and live a full life for now and eternity! This is something I need to remember...not for myself, but for a world full of people that don't know. And if they don't know, maybe I'll be brave as I think my son would be and tell them, even if I had to do in the grocery store...I sure hope someone would tell me about Light in this dark world if I didn't know!