Being mom...

This has been a challenging season for the Ryan family. Daddy has been working very hard, Mommy has been very tired, Gavin has been very three and Brayden has been, well, Brayden.
I find I am always feeling a bit behind on the house work and trying valiantly to catch up, on what Shawn refers to as, "the never ending list." It's true. Why any mother, including myself, thinks there is a remote chance of actually being caught up on laundry is beyond me...but never the less, I try. I also try to keep the floor clean and the bathroom in a state, in which I don't stick to the floor, counter or toilet.
In my attempts, I often get short with the kids and utter the sentence, "Please go find something to do," more than I'd like. To be honest, the kids both have a "room time" for 30 minutes or more each morning where they play happily by themselves, Gavin in his room and Bray in a pak n' play, and me getting a few things taken care of. I should be grateful for this, but I still try to manage more once room time is over.
Gavin seems pretty content to play by himself for awhile, unless of course Bray is there. Brayden on the other hand, gets bored easily and then moves into destructive, vindictive mode. He will purposefully find everything he is not supposed to touch and go for it...looking me straight in the eye. From the toilet paper unraveling to the pulling freshly folded laundry out of the drawers...I have labeled him destructor. Then he gets time outs, and what not, however, very little has an effect on this child,which in turn leaves me more aggravated and Bray exasperated.
And so, at the end of a morning like today, I sit down and just feel like a bad mom. Not only is the laundry still not done and the toilet paper unraveled and sitting on top of the bathroom counter (because I'm not throwing the whole roll away), but my heart and my kid's hearts are sad. Brayden just wants attention and Gavin wants a book and I am not even sure what I want anymore. Well, I do know what I want, to be a good mom...but what does that look like?
I am pretty sure a good mom does not let pooped in pants sit on her pee covered bathroom floor, but I am also pretty sure a good mom sits with her kids to play games. I am pretty sure a good mom helps clean the syrup plate her kid dumped onto the table and chair, but I am also pretty sure a good mom let's her kids run outside and get dirty and enjoy it. I am sure a good mom takes the time for herself to get a bit to eat and get herself dressed, so she can start the day fresh. But I am also pretty sure a good mom gets her kids dressed and fed, so they can start the day fresh too.
Where is the balance? Today I am not so sure I know. I do know both sides are important...taking care of kids needs as well as household needs, but I also know that I place such high values on both, it is impossible to meet the standard I set for myself. If I hear another mom made homemade enchilada's and my family got hamburger helper, I feel I am failing at house duties. If I hear a mom took their kids out a play space while mine watched a show so I could finish cleaning the kitchen, I feel like I have neglected my kids.
I know I am not alone in this. I believe a majority of moms beat themselves too frequently, for things that are too insignificant to worry about. But we do it anyway. In the back of our minds we know our kids are no worse off for eating hamburger helper or watching a show now and then. We also know, our floor will be peed on again and our laundry basket will fill up quite quickly. But still there is some unfounded belief that someone out there has fed their kids healthy food their entire lives, never let them watch a show, has all their laundry folded and put away and their floor is meticulously clean.
Where is wonder woman? I have yet to meet her and I don't believe I will. I most certainly will never be her. And that my friends, is why my kids are in their room time, my dishes are still dirty, I have at least three loads of laundry, and I have decided to sit at the computer for a bit. It will never all get done and I am going to resolve to remind myself of this daily.
God continually reminds us in the Bible we're not perfect, but also reminds us to strive to be better and He'll love us either way. This I can embrace. I can not be perfect. Not a reasonable goal. But I can be better. That I can attain. And I will always be thankful that He loves me either way! I am going to remind myself of that daily too!